


Stop apologising

by Dansel13



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Forgive Me, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, T+ because language, What Have I Done, kenny's POV, kinda just a long rant, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 15:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15643248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dansel13/pseuds/Dansel13
Summary: I'm used to being in the background - I've never been the centre of attention, and I'm fine keeping it that way...but...I just want you to notice, please for once just fucking notice...





	Stop apologising

 

I know it's all in my head.

But you've known right from the start haven't you?

I know I'm forgettable. It makes no difference if I'm there or not. Dead or alive no one fucking remembers the kid who hides their face behind their hood and stays in the background all the time, do they? No. No one ever fucking remembers Kenny - fucking - McCormick. I'm just the kid on the side lines. The one who observes but doesn't contribute. The one that always gets dragged into your crazy schemes and then doesn't come out of them again. You've killed me so many times...and you don't even realise...

That at least, is true. That part's real, I know that's a fact.

But what isn't always real is what I observe in those conversations.

I remember once Butters said I was his best friend, but why? Why would someone as pointless and forgettable as me be  _his_ best friend? Why would he choose  _me_ \- of all peoople - to be  _his_ best friend? Even to this day it still doesn't make sense. I never did anything to him, nice anyways, and even if I did, it was probably so small and insignoficant that it really shouldn't matter. I was always tagging along with you guys, who always got him into trouble and blamed everything  _we_ did wrong on  _him._

Come to think of it...have I actually done anything? ...to anyone?

Funny that.

Hahaha I've got the power of immortality and yet I've never done anything worthwhile at all.

But the real question I wanna ask right now isn't where this curse came from or how I can use/get rid of it, no, the real question right now is how can you be surrounded by people...and still be lonely?

From the outside anyone would think I've got lots of friends and am really popular, but in reality, they're all your friends. You - Stan, Kyle and cartman, you're the really popular ones (even if you do get everyone into trouble a lot), I'm just a background prop - almost completely tossed aside by everyone who was supposed to care. 

I can't be mad at you though.

I could never be mad at you.

No, because although I may not be able to talk to you, you still talk to me.

You come to me with your problems, and they tear me apart, because even though it seems like sometimes you forget about me, I still care. It hurts when I can't help and I have to carry around the weight of all of the things that are crushing you. Life is never easy and you all know that almost better than all of the adults in this stupid crazy fucking redneck town. 

But it means that I know just how much it hurts to know that people you care about are in pain. So even if you don't care, I still won't burden you.

However, too long I've kept this to myself, and I have a sneaking suspiscion I'll end up in a mental hospital if I keep bottling these feelings up inside.

You see, one of the reasons why I've always kept to the sidelines is beacause in reality the thought of being the centre of attention  _terrifies_ me. I'd never be able to handle it. So In reality I brought this loneliness on myself. Maybe if I'd stopped being such a pussy and made an effort to be in the main crowd, then you'd maybe have remembered me more. But even when I did try...it never worked. I was trying too hard and it just wasn't who I was - who I am.

The worst thing about this though, is that when I do need someone to maybe talk or vent to, there's no one. My parents are always fighting, I hardly know my brother, Karen would never understand, all of you would just laugh and call me gay and no one, absolutely no one would take me seriously. 

' _Oh look there's Kenny' 'don't mind McCormick, he doesn't really do anything' 'Kenny's not really my friend though' 'Kenny just tells perverted jokes and sniffs paint' 'Oh my God they killed Kenny!' 'I hate you Kenny' 'no one gives a rat's ass about him'_

Hehehe.

I guess the worst thing is that most of it's true. Even when I'm dead no one seems to give a fuck for more than a few minutes.

Well, technically that's not true. 

That's definitely not the worst thing, although it does play a big part I guess.

No the worst thing is when I'm with you, but then, the you I'm with is a different you to the one that lives in reality. This is probably not making any sense but just listen alright?

A lot of the time I'm just standing around with guys, listening in to the conversation, and then suddenly everything will change. Instead of you smiling I'll start seeing you baring your teeth, I'll hear you snarling when you're actually just chatting happily and I'll feel you're angry when in reality you're perfectly fine. 

The worst thing is being afraid there's something wrong with me, then thinking I'm overreacting, and then being worried about that too. It's a never-ending loop and I can never escape it. 

I get clingy because I'm terrified you'll leave and hate me forever. I apologise and bow my head because I'm certain I've always done something wrong. I'm worried about speaking because I'm worried people will think I mean one thing when I really mean another. I'm trapped in this never ending cycle and there's no one I can even talk to it about it.

...and then I start thinking...

...and I begin to wonder...

...if talking about it is actually selfish...

I don't want to impose on anyone, seriously that's the last thing I wanna do. So I figured the best thing to do was probably to just hide it under the parker and pay attention to everyone else's problems to distract myself. That way I'm not being selfish right? Because I'm not focusing on myself and I'm trying to help you all at the same time, so that means I'm actually doing something good right?

...

...only I'm so pathetic and helpless that I can't even do that...

...and your problems also tear me apart because I know you're suffering and I can't stop it.

...and sometimes I can see you need help but you refuse it even when it's plastered on your face...

..

...

What a fucking a hypocrite am I right? Talking about his friends refusing when he himself is obviously fucking crazy...

But what if I'm not?

What if it's all in my head and I'm overreacting?

And then I would've just wasted their valuable time...

I can't keep ding this. I can't keep shouldering the burdens of people who don't give a fuck. Becuase you don't. YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN A SINGLE FUCK!

I'm sorry...I can't be mad at you...I have no reason to be angry. This is all my fault, i'm sorry for pushing you away if I did. I'm sorry for maybe saying something or not saying enough. I didn't mean to annoy you if I did. I just don't want to be invisible anymore.

I don''t want this anymore.

Please, just notice, just fucking notice!

...notice me...

 


End file.
